Iron Maiden - “Run to The Hills”
In the greatest lopsided deal since Esau swapped out his birthright to Jacob for a piping hot bowl of lentils thus setting off a chain of events whose repercussions are still being felt today from Mumbai to Manhattan to the Gaza Strip the Native American tribes gave our imperialist minded ancestors (or rather your imperialist minded ancestors, mine were still being victimized by pogroms at the time) their land and the knowledge and know how to work the soil and plant maize, sometimes also called corn, a wild grass unknown to Europeans until they set foot on American shores.
In exchange the natives received the rights to have their most recognizable traits appear on the logos of the Washington Redskins, Cleveland Indians, and Atlanta Braves (Jane Fonda and the Tomahawk Chop anyone?) as well as a future option to peddle tax free cigarettes and open up places like Foxwoods and The Mount Airy Lodge & Casino where people like me can go and piss away their money at virtual reality roulette tables. Oh yeah and also lots and lots of Syphilis. And the state of Oklahoma.
Soon the settlers were making all sorts of new and wacky things out of corn, the miracle grass that can be cooked down, refashioned, retooled, re-engineered, and through processes like partial hydrogenation and high fructoseization—whatever the fuck those are—reanimated into just about anything possible. From the Big Macs attacks that grip Americans daily to the soda addictions that many of us battle to the whiskey that has caused me to make countless regrettable decisions…corn! And with obesity reaching epic proportions in this country—thanks in no small part to sausage and egg McMuffins bought on the way into the office to soak up last night’s corn liquor induced hangover—one can only wonder who is getting the last laugh now.
So this year lets all be thankful for corn!
OK I’m finally off to the land where Columbus’ voyage originated. Don’t drink and drive, don’t hold back at the dinner table tomorrow, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do, don’t do anything I would do, and I’ll see you in a week!
